"A blind man in a dark room looking for a black hat which isn't there."
Characterization of a metaphysician
"The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense."
"There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher."
"Small earthquake in Chile. Not many dead."
forward as an example of a dull newspaper headline
"After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations."
on Shakespeare
"Plaese porrf raed."
Professor, S.U.N.Y. Purchase
"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it."
"When you steal from one author, it's plagiarism; if you steal from many, it's research."
"There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are."
"Deleted by French Censor"
US Newspaper owner/editor Used to fill empty space in his papers during WWI when news was lacking
"If you can't annoy somebody, there's little point in writing."