"If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?"
"You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks."
"I would have made a good Pope. "
U.S. President
"Well, I have one consolation. No candidate was ever elected ex-president by such a large majority!"
US President - referring to his defeat in the 1912 presidential election.
"When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it."
"Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. "
"George Washington was first in war, first in peace -and the first to have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend."
"My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you that I have signed legislation to outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes."
Recorded when asked to do a microphone test
"I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the tapes."
"In a disastrous fire in President Reagan's library, both books were destroyed. And the real tragedy is that he hadn't finished coloring one."
"We need a president who's fluent in at least one language. "